If It's Any Consolation, I Am Going To Shoot Myself After I Kill All Of You | The Onion – America's Finest News Source

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by

Trent
in

I want all of you to know that I totally empathize with everything you’ll soon be going through. Nobody likes to learn that their lives are about to be snuffed out for no reason save that of random, irrational violence. It’s a terrifying proposition, I know. But everyone’s going to have to sacrifice a little here, and, for what it’s worth, I’m not going to survive this upcoming murder spree any more than you are. So take solace in the fact that, right after I gun you all down next week without warning, I will immediately be shooting myself in the head, as well.

Remember: We’re all in this crazy mess together

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